Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize