woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
ok first of all what the fuck
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize