Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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