my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Randomize