just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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