Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize