I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
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I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
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Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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