Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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