You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
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There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
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Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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