I cannot find my penis.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize