A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
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If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
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Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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