Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
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And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
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The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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