I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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