I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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