Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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