Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
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He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
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I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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