Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
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There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
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The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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