Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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