Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
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He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
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