remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
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she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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