sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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