Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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