I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
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Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
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DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize