I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
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Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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