Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
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Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
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I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The air was thick with penises
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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