Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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