Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize