I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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