I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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