Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
