I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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