Do you still have your period?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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