To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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