The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Can you repeat that, but with context?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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