i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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