Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
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Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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