I will die if light touches me.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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