I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
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You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
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The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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