There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
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I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
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I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
At least life still wants to fuck me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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