I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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