I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
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I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
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How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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