Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
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Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
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I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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