Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
How drunk are you?
Completed.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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