I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sext me about skeletons
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize