I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
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He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
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My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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