My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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