Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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