just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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