I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
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when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
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If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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