anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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