She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
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He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
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Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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